When you experience a heart-crushing, time-stopping, seemingly life-altering break-up, you expect the tears and the fact that you miss them to be the worst part. It scares you that every time you walk into your bedroom that you'll cry because so many things in there remind of you of them. And you will, at least for the first few days, but that's only because you love with all of your heart. You feel lonely all day without your best friend to text and update, and lonely at night when you need comfort and they are no longer wanting to offer it to you. It's always the same.
But once you find a new routine and no longer feel the urge to send that text pleading for your missed normalcy, you'll smile again. You will find a new routine that takes your mind away from the pain. But then before you know it the worst part of the break-up happens.
After the time passes that a person needs to be them self again, once you raise your gaze from your feet and start to notice the world around you again you begin to notice the opposite gender. And you begin to catch some smiles and lock eyes with a few people as you rediscover what attraction between two people feels like.
Just like clock work, you are preparing for your first date. The entire work day you spend thinking about it, excited or dreading it. While you fix your hair and chose your outfit carefully is when the emotions hit. You are really doing this, you're moving on. Then the thoughts of the one that left you creep back in. That's who you were comfortable with, you already know he makes you happy and knows all your preferences and dislikes. He is the one you wish you were getting ready to spend time with tonight.
But you catch yourself. Putting down this person who you haven't even really given a chance to yet. You know it's not right to compare him, someone you haven't got the privilege to get to know yet to someone that was already molded to your life style. We all have to fight to remember there is a reason that this last relationship didn't work. A reason why the two of you are no longer together, a reason he decided to leave. Maybe this new person, the one that you could have an amazing time with tonight could have all the same qualities as the last, but knows how to use them. Know exactly what to say will hear you out and not make assumptions that ended things so quickly.
Dating is scary. It's starting over. It's having to trust someone that you barely know with your feelings, while you're in the car you might even be trusting him with your life. And that is scary.
No matter how many dates you go on or how many people you take these first night adventures with, the last one that made it work will always be in the back of your mind. Maybe you'll find someone that will know how to make it work like he did, will know exactly what to say to make you fall head over heals for him. Can make you love and respect him like you did the one that gave you up without a second thought.
These fears, these thoughts are what I have tonight. I'm taking a leap to move on and forget, possibly even forgive, the damage that my last relationship has done to me. I can't hold on forever. A lifetime is so short, and I need to find happiness for myself, and find a companion that wants to share that happiness with me. Tonight I will keep and open mind and give this new guy that I don't know a chance. A chance to prove to me he is nice, and caring, understanding and exciting.
A chance to prove that I deserve to be happy.
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